My Real Self?

My writing prompt for today said “Do you share your real self online?” I do… and I don’t. I’m honest here, and I do share my enthusiasms, but there is a part of me that I don’t share as much. I want to be optimistic and upbeat here on my blog, but there is a part of me that is dark and pessimistic. I prefer to be optimistic, and that’s what I mostly share here.

I prefer not to share about politics, for example, and I have definite viewpoints about things, but I am so tired of political talk and anger and fear. I used to be a cable news junkie, and recently we trimmed back our cable and don’t have the news channels any more, which is a positive thing. I get my local news, and watch Lester Holt in the evenings. Much more healthy.

I also, aside from that post the other day, tend not to share a lot about my feelings of inadequacy which I have had since I was a young child. I want to celebrate the writer I have become, and not dwell on that sad kid and young woman (and middle-aged woman if I’m being honest). Rather, I want to live in the present, focus on my blessings, embrace my current self. Oooh La La La La La La Live in the moment! As the song says.

I do talk about my relationship with Nathan. He is my best friend. We have been married for thirty years, and our love is a constant in my life that I rely on. Nathan is bright, funny, extremely talented in his work, and my instant wikipedia. If he does not know something, he’ll come up with something he made up, which is usually hilarious. Just ask his nephews about the history of the Telligman chair…

I don’t talk about my faith much on here, though I do share the services from our church, Orchard Ridge UCC. I have a complicated relationship with church and spirituality, etc. I have spent chunks of my life as atheist as you can get, I have been angry at the church, I even spent a short portion of my time as a “born again." (That was weird and very unlike me. At the time I felt a need to be enthusiastic, and I was inspired by Christian music). Now, I have been exploring my faith again. ORUCC is a very progressive, open and accepting church. I also am working on trying to be more social, and church is a good place for that. I look forward to a time when we can be together in person again.

Mental health: I want to be especially honest here, in case I can inspire others to get help. I have endured major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder for my entire life. I rely on medications and therapy, both with a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I have times when I self-harm. I have been hospitalized. I have been suicidal. Right now, I’m in a really good place. My meds are well balanced and generally I feel on top of things. If you are depressed or anxious, please seek help. The resources are out there, and relief is there to be had. Sometimes you have to try a couple different doctors and medications before you get the right fit. Just do it, trust me. Life can seem very bleak… but life can also be a wonderous thing.

I guess I do share a lot here! I’m not going to go on and on about the things I have revealed here. I don’t want to focus on the negative, on my blog or in my life. Instead let’s focus on food, fun, poetry, music, poetry and Stuff I like.